To my son: I hope I make you proud

Leo,

It has been a year since we began telling those closest to us about you. About how we were told I could be losing you because you weren’t laying right in my tummy, but the Doctors did a scan and we saw your tiny heart beating on the screen. Your tiny little heartbeat.

You won’t remember growing before you came into this world, every lecture you attended with me at university, every story your daddy whispered to you when he cuddled against you at night. You made getting out of bed every morning worth it.

The day we found out about you, you rocked our lives, turned it upside down and have taught us more than we ever knew was possible.

I won’t lie, finding out was hard. I was scared of letting everybody down. I was scared I wouldn’t be a good enough mum for you. But I wanted to prove to you that I could be.

You won’t know the joy it brought myself and your father, hearing your tiny heartbeat at every scan, feeling every kick, stretch and hiccup. Knowing you were safe meant everything and more.

You won’t remember the first time you looked into my eyes, as I cried asking if you were healthy and okay, as you laid on my chest, listening to my heartbeat.

You won’t remember the first day we brought you home, how we watched you sleeping that night, your chest rising and falling with every breath. We lost so much sleep but you were home, and you were worth it.

I want you to know I’m doing my best, and I’ll make mistakes but I’ll learn. I’ll learn that you’ll not always want to be held when your hurt, so for now I’ll hold you extra close and make it okay. One day you’ll be embarrassed by me saying that I love you, so I’ll say it a million times over, but I’ll learn to tell you in different ways.

I love you. Be safe. Wrap up warm. I’ll learn.

I know you don’t know much about the world yet and that you’re learning new things every day. But I hope I make you proud. I hope I always make you proud, just as much as I am of you.

The first time you looked at us and smiled, the first giggle, babble. The first time you rolled over, you make us so proud with every milestone, big or small, and fill our hearts with love.

You won’t remember a lot of things before your first memories, but those you don’t remember, and those that you do, we will cherish for the rest of our lives.

All our love and more,

Mum [and Dad] x

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