Week 12 – Love and a Baby

Nobody ever tells you about the strain expecting a baby can put on to a relationship.

Up until this week, I thought that having a baby was the one thing that keeps couples together and made them stronger, but it couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’ve been selfish in a way that I’ve only thought about how this baby affects me, I’ve been worried that as this baby starts to grow, maybe my partner will find me less attractive and I’ve been worried about money and what people think. What I failed to do, was notice how it affected my partner.

I always asked how he was, what he was thinking about the baby and the future but I never noticed how much it was draining him either, that’s when we started to drift apart.

It doesn’t say much for us that 10 weeks into the pregnancy and 4 weeks into knowing, we’re both struggling around each other, but all I thought about was the doubts and my own insecurities, not noticing how he had put all his energy into trying to show me he did care.

Going into detail about what happened is too personal and there isn’t much to say on the subject, but in the past few weeks’ things have been hard on us both and I’m tired of fighting our relationship (one thing I would never do and never will do is give up on us).

We decided to take a break from each other, we’d spent all summer practically living together (literally 24/7), it wasn’t good for either of us and if anything it was pushing us apart. I said I was tired of fighting our relationship because we weren’t fighting as a couple, I was arguing with myself about whether he cared or not instead of listening to what he had to say.

It’s hard writing this and for once I’m struggling with what to say. I feel hurt and I feel alone. That’s not the doing of my partner, it’s just how I personally feel about it all, because there’s nothing scarier than what your own mind has the power to do when you’re laid in bed alone at night thinking every tiny little thing through and that’s all I’ve been doing while he’s away.

Sometimes space is good, it allows a clear mind to think and more room to grow but I was just scared of drifting further apart.

He’s the first love in my life, my first heartbreak, first everything. What I’ve come to realise is that since finding out about our baby and the ectopic pregnancy scare, I’ve been scared of losing him too, so I’ve clung on when I should’ve given him room to breathe.

He’s my best friend, my love and the kindest man I know. I have faith in us, as I know he does too (he would tell me to stop being a drama queen for this) but whatever happens, I know he’ll be an amazing father and friend, and I know I’d never really lose him.

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